


Hang on to that

by grossalien



Category: South Park
Genre: Alcohol, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Underage Drinking, Valentine's Day, buttman if you squint, ironically this is the closest to gen fic i've written so far, kyle gets punk'd, mentions of the rest of the boys - Freeform, pride and prejudice spoilers?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 17:34:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29422425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grossalien/pseuds/grossalien
Summary: Kyle thinks this Valentine's Day is going to be exactly the same as every other one but he's sorely mistaken.
Relationships: Kyle Broflovski/Eric Cartman
Comments: 6
Kudos: 48





	Hang on to that

Kyle had no problem against Valentine’s Day itself but it was a pretty shitty day when you were single and 16 years old. Everyone had plans with their partners after school and this year fell on Friday so not only did he have to spend Valentine’s Day alone but, in addition, also feel like a loser at the beginning of the weekend. Great. 

He was standing at the bus stop with his friends and, of course, Stan was already going off about his plans with Wendy later. They were going to the movies and get frisky and then have dinner at a fancy restaurant and with some luck....yes, yes, Stan, we get it you wanna get laid on Valentine’s Day because it’s such a milestone. Big fucking deal.

To compensate for Kyle’s lack of interest, Kenny was listening to him attentively, nodding and giggling whenever Stan detailed the lewd aspects of his future evening. Kenny was most likely gonna spend the night with his new girlfriend of two weeks ago, Michelle or something. Every month it was a new one so it didn’t really matter. When puberty hit everyone, Kenny’s mysterious attitude became immensely popular with girls. And like that, Kyle became the least popular of their group.

“What’s up, gaywads!” The most obnoxious voice in the world was heard in the distance. 

Right, after Cartman, obviously.

The fatass walked to them all groomed, like he was going to feature in the magazine for the most overweight people in the world. He was wearing a black leather jacket that was too tight on his obese body, some ripped jeans and black boots to compliment whatever kind of look he was going for. His hair had so much gel it looked like plastic at this point. What a fucking tool. 

Strutting around like a model of FatFuck’s latest fashion week, Cartman passed his friends and stood next to Kyle. By this point, Stan and Kenny’s chatter had quieted down to contemplate Cartman’s frankly exaggerated attire. What the hell was he dressing like that for? If girls think you’re disgusting the entire year they’re not gonna change their mind today!

“Oh.” Cartman snorted at the sight of Kyle. “I see someone forgot what day it is. Am I right, guys?” He winked at Stan and Kenny who simply stared back.

“I didn’t forget what day it is, fatass.” Kyle said with gritted teeth, not even wanting to look at the asshole. If he did, he would inevitably end addressing his fashion choices.

Cartman sighed, as if resigned. “You’re never gonna get any pussy looking like that.” He placed an arm around Kyle’s neck. “I’m seriously worried for you, Kyle.”

“Don’t fucking touch me.” Kyle snapped back, still eyeing at the front. 

“Uh, oh.” The brunette walked back, raising his arms. “I guess someone’s mad about his terminal virginity!” 

That’s it, that’s fucking it. The other virgin of their gang wasn’t going to humiliate him on fucking Valentine’s Day.  
Kyle turned to Cartman. “Like you’re anyone to talk!” He exclaimed. “And what the fuck are you wearing?!” 

Mildly startled by Kyle’s anger, Cartman adjusted his jacket, trying to regain control of the situation. “It’s called fashion, Kyle.” He smirked. “You should look it up, it would help you.”

“If fashion means looking like a Village People member then I’ll pass, thank you.” The redhead retaliated.

With the fakest huff ever, Cartman puts his hands on his hips. “Well that’s just fucking homophobic, Kyle!” 

The other side eyed him with disdain before going back to watching a tree. “No, it wasn’t.” He argued. 

“Mm, yeah, it kinda was.” Stan cut in and Kenny hummed a “Totally.” in agreement. 

Kyle glared at them. Seriously? Taking Cartman’s side today of all days? 

His best friend tried to defend himself. “I mean...there’s nothing wrong with...looking like a Village People member...right, Kenny?” He turned to Kenny support. The latter just nodded. Ugh, these fucking assholes. 

“Fine.” Kyle accepted. “Sorry for being homophobic.” He apologized tersely but when he heard Cartman snort in victory, he added. “You still look like fucking shit, though.”

“Aye!” The other shouted. “I’m not gonna take that from someone who wears the same shitty jacket every fucking day!”

“It’s not the same one, I have several-” Wait, he wasn’t supposed to say that. “Shut up, fatass.” He quickly corrected himself. None was to know he acquired a dozen pieces of the same jacket at a summer’s sale with his mom ages ago. 

“Heh. You’re just jealous of all the bitches I’m gonna get today.” Cartman asserted with full confidence. “While you stand there looking stupid with your stupid jew hat and your dumb red hair-”

“Why you little-”

The bus arrived right before another argument exploded between the two of them. WIth a growl, Kyle got on it, making up his mind to ignore Cartman during the journey, and if possible, the rest of the day. 

___________________________________________________________________________

When Kyle opened his locker to get his history book, he didn’t expect a letter in cute stationery paper to fall from it. Raising his eyebrow, he bent down to pick it up from the floor. 

For: Kyle  
From: Mysterious Admirer <3

Seriously? Glitter pen? We weren’t in middle school anymore…

Despite his initial judgment, Kyle couldn’t contain the excitement in his chest as he opened the letter.

_Dear Kyle,_

_You don’t know who I am but I’ve been looking at you in secret for months.  
~~I like you~~ I have something to tell you. Please meet me on the bench behind the bushes after school._

_Forever yours,  
Your secret admirer_

Kyle blinked at the cutesy handwriting. It was flowery enough to be a girl’s but was this for real? Was a girl seriously going to confess to him after school? After all this time?

“Woah, what are you holding there, Kyle?” Cartman pointed at him, causing Stan and Kenny to turn and see him holding the letter. 

Nervously, Kyle tried to shove it in his pocket. “Nothing, it’s just-”

“No fucking way.” His friend snatched it out of his hand. Damn fatass and his fat reflexes. “Guys, it looks like Kyle has a secret fan!” 

Stan and Kenny stood next to him, reading the letter like it was some classified document from the government. 

“Holy shit, dude!” Stan raised his head to stare at Kyle. “A girl’s into you, Kyle!” 

Why was he saying it like it was some kind of anomaly? 

“We’re not sure yet.” Kyle tried to be rational. “Maybe it’s just a misunderstanding-”

“Misunderstanding my ass!” Kenny interrupted him. “Confession behind the bushes? That’s where all the couples go to make out!” He stated. “This girl isn’t fucking around, I’m telling you.”

Make-out? Hold on a second, that was just too-

“Well what do you know!” Cartman cried out. “Turns out you do have an appeal!” He giggled to himself. “In a kosher kind of a way.”

“Kyle’s gonna get it! Kyle’s gonna get it!” Kenny muffedly sang. 

“Sh-Shut up!” Kyle stuttered, watching the girls pass them and giving them strange looks.

“He’s getting red!” The brunette accused him. “Your face is as red as your hair now, Kyle! Look, everyone, Kyle is blushing!” No one in the corridor paid attention to his claims yet Kyle felt embarrassed anyway. 

“I’m fucking not!” Kyle spat instinctively and looked at his best friend for help. 

The latter grinned at him. “Your first Valentine’s, Kyle. You made it.”

Kyle didn’t want to get excited, especially after all the romantic disappointments he had suffered in the past. However, the enthusiasm from his friends was getting to him and he couldn’t help but smile a little. His first Valentine’s. Who was the mysterious girl?  
___________________________________________________________________________

The rest of the morning went soothingly fast for Kyle who spent the classes thinking about the mysterious girl. Was she someone from his class? Was she from another one? Was she from an older grade? Or maybe she was younger than him? What was her name? Her hair color? What did she like? What was she like?

Without realizing, he had started scribbling in his notebook, barely paying attention to class at all. He caused several giggles in the class (and guffaws from Cartman) when he was unable to answer questions and, of course, for his teachers to look at him bizarrely. He was usually such a proper student after all. Except today it didn’t matter. He was going to spend his first Valentine's Day with someone special. School could fuck off for a second. He still had the rest of the weekend to make up for it. In the meantime he could still daydream about...

“Kyle. Kyle!” Stan waved his hand in front of him, interrupting Kyle’s reverie.

Kyle jolted with surprise, suddenly aware of his surroundings. They were sitting in the cafeteria. It was lunch time. “Y-Yeah?” 

“We were telling the guys about your letter.” Stan explained. Clyde, Craig, Tweek & Token were sitting in the front bench, watching expectantly. 

The flush spread on Kyle’s cheeks. Why the hell were they talking about the private letter he got to them? “Yeah, it was in my locker…” He attempted to contribute, eyes on his trail. 

“Kyle’s been over the moon ever since!” Cartman began chortling from the other side of their bench. “Not even paying attention to class! He’s totally in love!”

“Do you know how it might be?” Clyde asked in his nasal voice. 

“Not at all.” Kyle answered in earnest. He hadn’t noticed any girl’s eyes lingering on him lately. Or ever, besides that time Cartman told everyone they were a couple. Dickhead.

“So much pressure!” Tweek interjected, trembling in his seat. “What if you don’t like her?! What if she’s not your type?!” Horrified by his own idea, he shook his head. “Aah!”

In a calming manner, Craig tapped his back. “Tweek, if he doesn’t like her, he can just say so. That’s okay, too.”

An unsettling feeling set itself in the pit of Kyle’s stomach. Not liking her? He hadn’t considered that option. I mean, if she had a good personality they could work things out right? She seemed to be the romantic type at least. That was already something Kyle and her had in common.

Token sipped some of his juice and after swallowing, he proposed. “What if it’s a guy?”

Kyle’s jaw fell open. “What?”

“Why would it be a guy?!” Stan inquired, expression already riddled with confusion. 

Their friend shrugged. “I’m just saying. From what you guys said, the sender never specified being a girl.” 

Raising his hands, Kyle argued. “N-No way, the letter was written in glitter pen in pink stationery paper...plus it had a lot of cute stickers..also the handwriting...was…” He flinched at the world he was going to use. “...girly.”

“So?” Clyde chimed in. “Guys can like girly things. Right, Craig?” He elbowed this chullo-wearing buddy next to him. Craig rolled his eyes in response. 

“I like Sailor Moon!” Tweek practically yelled unprompted. “And I’m a guy!”

“What the hell’s Sailor Moon?” Kyle was so lost in the conversation at this point. 

“It’s an anime about this chick that fights evil with his other girlfriends. And they’re all wearing sailor outfits.” Cartman replied spontaneously. When everyone turned to him, he cleared his throat, adding. “Butters showed it to me once.”

“Well, Butters is kinda gay.” Stan conceded.

“Enough!” Kyle exclaimed. “It’s not a guy, okay? I wouldn’t have a problem if it was but it’s not! I can tell.” He kept on.

There was a silence before they all started laughing. Annoyed, Kyle took his trail and walked away, still hearing the chatter behind him. 

“Did you see that? He was totally freaking out!”

“Kyle, don’t you wanna be embraced by two manly arms?”

“Do you think there’s a lot of difference between anal and vaginal penetration?”

“I don’t know, ask, Craig.”

“Clyde, shut the fuck up.”

“Why are you asking Craig?!”

“Guys, come on…”

Growling, Kyle walked faster. Ha, ha, very fucking funny. Just because he wanted to go out with a girl that didn’t make him homophobic. His friends could be such jerks sometimes. Just wait until he got to meet the mysterious girl. Then we would see who would get the last laugh.  
___________________________________________________________________________

Unsurprisingly, paranoia got to Kyle and he spent the rest of the afternoon from fantasizing about the secret girl to worrying something would go wrong. What if she was her ideal match…but she had to leave for England the day after? What if she was The One but she was terminally ill and only had a day left to live? What if she was the love of his life but her parents were historical enemies and had to elope to be happy together? 

Despite the unlikely scenarios going in his head, time didn’t stop going insanely fast and before Kyle realized, the bell indicating the end of the day had rang. When he stood up, he noticed his hands were sweaty and his knees were shaking faintly. Oh, god. 

Stan patted his shoulder suddenly, causing him to flinch from the contact. “Hey, I gotta go with Wendy right now but you better tell me all about it later, alright? Good luck!” He gave Kyle a thumbs up and headed off to the exit, hands laced together with his girlfriend. 

“Kyle!” Kenny called him from the other side of the classroom. “You got this!” He made a blowjob gesture. “Talk to you tomorrow!” With those words, he left as well. Jesus, if his friend was trying to embarrass him to the maximum, he had absolutely nailed it.

“Hey, Kyle.” The aforementioned turned to find Cartman standing in front of his desk. “I just wanted to say that…” Amidst his sentence, the guy seemed to lose trail of his words. “Uh…” Seemingly changed his mind, Cartman closed his mouth and turned away. Well, maybe that was as close as the fatass came to wishing well to someone. 

His friends acting like he was about to present his damn thesis or something wasn’t helping in the slightest, though. Now Kyle was even more nervous. Gathering all his strength, he put his things back on his backpack and walked to the school yard, trying to hype himself up all the way long.

When he got there, it was empty. The teens that would normally hang in there for a while after classes had already left home, it was Valentine’s Day after all and no one wanted to stay at school for a minute more. 

Exhaling shakily, Kyle made his way to the infamous bench behind the bunches where numerous couples would hang at to make out and sometimes get even more dirty than that. Rumors were that Tammy, yes Kenny’s ex-girlfriend, was now giving blowjobs at that bench. Except this time, it was for a price. Kenny sure knew how to pick them.

While he waited, sitting on the bench, he once again wondered what his secret admirer looked like. Kyle couldn’t really say he had a type except that he wasn’t big on voluptuous, loud girls. And if they were crude then even less. However, he doubted this girl would be like that. She clearly gave importance to her feelings and wanted something real. She wasn’t looking for a hookup or something like that. She was like him and he knew that. 

Some prattling in the distance, made him alert. Could it be…? Kyle couldn’t see anything behind the bushes and he didn’t want to be caught spying on her future- on the girl either, so he sat still, waiting for her to show. Oh man, oh man, his heart was almost beating out of his chest. He could barely hear his thoughts anymore. The moment of truth had arrived. The moment of answers. 

A slender figure made her way out of the bushes, walking clumsily. She had a white floral dress that went up to her knees and pink sandals. Her hair was blonde and tied into low twintails. Kyle couldn’t see her face clearly because she was looking down yet he was positive he had never seen her before. Her chest was small and from her posture she seemed very shy. Kyle was captivated. 

Delicately, the girl sat on the opposite side of the bench, hands on her legs and avoiding physical contact with Kyle. He swallowed nervously, undecided of what to do. Should he talk to her or wait for her to? Should he get closer? Should he give her space?

A few dozens of seconds later it was clear she wasn’t going to break the ice so Kyle cleared his throat and vocalized a gentle. “Hey.”

No response. Her eyes were still on her lap. Maybe he should try harder. “Hey.” He repeated. “What’s your name?”

Still nothing. Actually, if Kyle listened attentively, it sounded like she was mumbling something very softly. “Are you okay?” He asked, putting his hand on her shoulder in the most non-threatening way possible. She recoiled at the contact, making a contained yelp. 

“Sorry!” The boy pulled his hand away. Did he have the wrong girl? “Are you the one that wrote the letter?” He attempted, very carefully.

Wordlessly, she nodded. Okay, that was some progress.

“So do you-” Kyle’s voice broke at an embarrassing moment. He cleared his throat again. “Sorry. Uhm, do you…” Damn, this was way harder to say out loud than it should. “Do you like me?” He gibbered.

Slowly and reluctantly, she nodded a second time. Oh thank fucking god. It was real. Euphoria spreading like warmth over his body, Kyle turned to the girl and slid closer to her. She didn’t move this time. Good. In a bold gesture, he placed his left hand over her’s. She didn’t flinch but he could feel her trembling under his. “It’s okay.” He assured her. “We can take this slow.” 

Kyle could see her chest rising and falling fast. Good to know he wasn’t the only nervous one at least. Someone had to put an end to this awkwardness, though. And today was Kyle’s day so he steeled himself and stretched out his arm, cupping her cheek. She gasped very cutely and his heart skipped a beat. “Let me see you.” He whispered, tenderly turning her face towards him.

Her visage was round and baby-like, she had red blush on her cheeks and a perky nose. Her lips were thin and soft pink and her eyes blue like the ocean, long eyelashes protecting them. Her thin eyebrows- wait a minute. Wait. That expression. Those panicked eyes, those nervous pursed lips, was that-

“Butters?!” He exclaimed, getting up from the bench. 

“Ahhh!” The other yelled, as if he was equally surprised. “I can’t do this anymore, Eric!” He bawled and buried his head in his hands. 

Eric? Don’t tell me…

“God damn it, Butters, you were so close!” Cartman came from behind the bushes holding up his phone. “Well, no matter.” He put the device back on his pocket. “I have the evidence at least.”

“Cartman?!” Kyle snarled in pure anger.

The fatass acted as if he hadn’t seen him there. “Oh, hey Kyle.”

“What did you do?!” He vociferated.

Cartman smirked. “Well, Kyle, I told you you wouldn’t any pussy looking like that so-”

Not even interested in listening to the rest of the explanation, Kyle roared as he lunged at the fucker. Butters yelled in the background. “You fucking asshole!” He screamed on his face, grabbing him by his jacket’s collar. 

Frightened, his friend sputtered. “C-Calm down, Kyle, it was just a joke.” His hands wrapped around Kyle’s in an attempt to lighten up the pressure with which he was being held. 

“Just a joke?!” The redhead shook Cartman violently. “How is this a fucking joke?!”

The overweight bitch was officially terrified now. “I-I just thought it’d be funny if you tried to hit on Butters while he was dressed as a chick and-”

“And what?!” His face was now centimeters away from Cartman’s. He could feel his shallow breath on his mouth. 

Cartman hesitated. “I showed it to the guys…?” He forced a smile to alleviate the situation. “Come on, Kyle, admit it...it would...be funny…” He was talking to him the way you would to a tiger that got out of his cage.

The urge Kyle had to break Cartman’s teeth then and there and then knock Butters out was strong, however, his chagrin was stronger and so he threw the fatass with all his strength to the ground. 

“Augh! Jesus, Kyle!” Cartman whined, rubbing his ass. 

“You think it’s okay to play with someone’s feelings like that?!” Kyle berated him. “Well I have news for you! Nobody loves you, either!” He took a step towards him. “And nobody will.” He drawled, voice poisoned with hatred. “You’re gonna die alone because you’re a miserable jerk that loves to humiliate others. Nobody wants to be with someone like that.” 

Cartman’s stunned expression over his rant was the last thing Kyle saw before he strode away, completely neglecting giving Butters a piece of his mind. Whatever, Butters was just a pathetic, manipulable wimp. He wasn’t even worth giving a stern word with. The obese scumbag was the real mastermind. 

His way home was filled with insults towards Cartman in his mind and self deprecating remarks to himself. When he finally arrived at his house, he didn’t even bother greeting his parents, just went straight to his room and slammed the door. Fuck being himself today. Fuck being Kyle Broflovski.  
___________________________________________________________________________

It was 7 p.m. and Kyle hadn’t stopped doing homework since he got home, ignoring his friends’ messages asking how things had gone with the ‘girl’. Even for the top student he was, this was admittedly a new record. He was practically done with everything they had assigned to the class for the next week. Next, he could some fractions and-

“Bubbi?” His mom opened the door, disturbing Kyle’s thoughts.

“Yeah?” The boy refused to face her, she might notice his reddened eyes. 

“Your friend Eric has come to see you.” She announced. “Should I tell him to come up?”

Kyle resumed his writing. “Tell him to fuck off.” He answered before remembering who he was talking to.

“Kyle!” His mother scolded him. “What’s with that language?!” She questioned him, severely. 

With a shudder, the teen apologized. “Sorry, mom. I just don’t wanna see him right is all.” What the fuck did the piece of shit want now? Go fall in a ditch and die already.

“Oh, Bubbi, don’t be like that.” She tried to persuade him. “He came all the way here.”

Gripping his pen tightly, Kyle snapped back. “He lives in the next block, mom!”

“Kyle, I don’t know what’s gotten to you today but you’re not gonna be rude to your friends.” The woman reprimanded him. “I’ll tell him to come up so be nice.” She announced and closed the door.  
Kyle turned brusquely. “Wait, no, mom-” Too late, she had already left. He rubbed his temples. Why was his mother so nice to someone that called her a bitch and other slurs several times. For her sake, he was going to face the fatass. But only for her’s, fuck Cartman. Fuck Cartman.

The door opened again, this time very weakly. Kyle picked up his pen and continued writing. 

“Hey, Kyle...” Cartman had that obnoxious apologetic tone already.

“Get out.” The redhead uttered coldly, eyes on his notebook.

“Listen, Kyle, I…”

“Get. The Fuck. Out.” Kyle stressed every word, doing his very best not to snap his pen in two.

“Would you at least-”

“No.” The boy turned around to snarl at the other and was taken aback by what was awaiting him.

Cartman was wearing a dark blue sweater, with a light blue collar shirt underneath, a pair of brown corduroy pants and leather shoes. His hair was combed except there was no gel involved this time.He was standing very straight and had the most miserable expression on his face. 

“What the hell is this…” Kyle could only manage to mutter, baffled.

The fat one put his hands behind his back. “I’ve been thinking about what you said.” He paused, grave. “And I’m sorry for what I did, Kyle.” He expressed, seemingly genuine.

Froze in place, Kyle could only stare back at him.

Did he really.

Did he really...?

Did he really change his clothes to come to apologize?

“Kyle?” Cartman called him since he was unresponsive. 

“Ah!” Kyle yelped and shook his head abruptly. “Why are you dressed like that?” He interrogated, very dumbfounded still. 

He couldn’t tell if he was hallucinating or if Cartman was flushing. “Well…” The brunette averted his gaze. “You made fun of my outfit earlier so…” He disclosed, as if that explained anything.

Realizing the guy wasn’t going to add anything else, Kyle pressed on. “And?”  
“I...thought...you might like this one…?” His friend was apprehensive as he spoke, as if trying to stop a bomb from detonating. 

Kyle couldn’t get it. He couldn’t get it at all. What the fuck was Cartman talking about? Was this his attempt to get on his good side? By wearing...a nice sweater? Wait, come to think of it, he had done this already, years ago. To get invited to his birthday he dressed all nicely...What a douche. 

Offended by the manipulation, the redhead spat. “What do you want.” Surely Cartman was planning something behind the scenes. 

Cartman raised his gaze, his expression antsy. “Nothing! I just feel bad, okay! You were right…” He lowered his eyes. 

God, either his acting skills had improved insanely or he was sincerely dejected. Kyle briefly recalled his words earlier. Was it the ‘You’re gonna die alone’ part? Did it actually affect him? Maybe he was sensitive on Valentine’s Day? Kyle better than anyone knew that loneliness was twice as hard on this day. Perhaps he should’ve been that hard on him...but wait, he tricked him, he deserved it. Did he, though? It was nowhere near as bad as other things Cartman had done to him in the past. Compared to his murder attempts and humiliation games this was practically an innocent prank. Then again, Kyle shouldn't be used to this kind of treatment to begin with....however, he was too old to act like he frankly detested Cartman’s presence in his life. He might be one of the worst people he knew but it wasn’t all that bad...probably. Plus, he couldn’t stand seeing the fat ass sad. It was something primal in Kyle, just the sight of depressed Cartman made him instantly compassionate. Should he get that checked? Maybe. Was today that day? Absolutely not. 

Heavily sighing, Kyle addressed the demoralized fatty. “Look, it’s fine.” He comforted him. “Just don’t do it again. Is that clear?” A piercing glare followed the question.

The other nodded vigorously in acceptance. “I won’t!” 

Really? That easy?

“Also…” Kyle pointed at Cartman’s pocket. “Give me your phone.”

Resigned, the boy pulled his iPhone from his pocket and handed it to Kyle. “Password is 111812.” He informed him. 

It was tempting to ask him what the hell did that number stand for but Kyle limited himself to unlock the phone, go to the gallery and delete the video. If this came out, he would never meet peace again. Obviously, he was aware Cartman wasn’t beyond having made an extra copy that he saved to his computer before he came yet he decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. “Done.” He announced as he gave the phone back.

There was an awkward silence where they both avoided gazing at the other. 

After a particularly long exhale, Kyle began talking again. “You can-” 

“Do you want to come over?” Cartman suddenly asked, strangely eager.

Thrown off, Kyle tilted his head. “Huh?” 

The brunette said and took him by the hand. “Come.” 

“Wait-” He tried to protest when he was pulled along against his will. He had forgotten that despite his lack of ability in physical fights, Cartman still had considerable strength, especially when it came to not letting go. Kyle was dragged down the stairs without being able to resist. 

When they were on the first floor, his friend shouted. “Mrs. Broflovski, Kyle is coming to my house!” 

“What?” Kyle turned to him, incredulous. “No, I’m not, let me go-” 

“Okay!” His mom answered from the kitchen. “You boys have fun!”

“Thank you, ma’am!” Cartman exclaimed while he opened the door. 

“Cartman, stop, I’m not going-” Kyle grumbled and tried to pull away. 

Ignoring him olympically whilst he held his hand, the fat ass stepped outside, taking Kyle with him. Once they were out, Cartman started running, leaving the other to have no choice but follow him, unless he wanted to fall face flat on the floor. 

“Cartman, what-”

The boy laughed in response as he kept going. What the hell was so funny? It was getting dark and there was snow falling, as well as on the pavement. One bad move and they would both end on their asses, wet and freezing. Although, the same coolness is what made Kyle realize how warm Cartman’s hand was against his. The only warm thing in this chilling weather. Kyle hated being touched by the guy yet this time it was different. It wasn’t unpleasant. Come to think of it, his laugh wasn’t nerve wracking either. Accepting, he let himself be dragged the rest of the way.

The moment they reached Cartman’s house, Cartman let him go to ring the bell and the sudden abandonment made Kyle’s hand feel bare and cold. Grumbling, he put his hands in his pockets. If only the fat ass had let him bring his gloves…

Butters opened the door and something akin to disappointment found a place in Kyle’s chest. Of course Butters was here, he thought, clicking his tongue. 

“Hey, Kyle!” The blond greeted him way too loud to be normal. He was dressed normally now.

The aforementioned scowled at him and Butters got agitated. “S-Sorry about earlier…” He apologized, twiddling his thumbs.

“Butters, will you fucking move?” Cartman cut in. “It’s fucking cold as balls here.”

“Oh! Sorry…” The tool stood aside, letting Cartman and Kyle walk in. 

“What am I doing here, Cartman?” A disillusioned Kyle inquired. 

“You’re here to have fun instead of mope around with books, that’s what.” The host shook off the snow off his clothes. 

“I don’t need to-”

“I have liquor bonbons!” Butters chimed in. “Eric made me buy some!” He turned to grab an open box on the table by the TV. “Here!” He showed Kyle the candies.

“Butters! Why did you start eating without me?!” Cartman reprimanded him. “You’re a fucking butthole!”

“I’m sorry, Eric…” Butters made an apologetic expression. “I just wanted to know what they tasted like...and then I couldn’t stop…” He licked his fingers. “They’re really good!”

Cartman snatched the box away from him and threw a chocolate into his own mouth. “Tastes like shit!” He complained. “Is this fucking whisky?” He chewed with disgust.

“Wuh-yeah but there’s 2 other flavors!” The blond signaled at the intact boxes sitting on the dining table. “Irish cream and... qu...quoi-quanthro?” He stuttered, unsure.

“Cointreau.” Kyle corrected him. His dad loved that shit.

“Thank you, Kyle!” Butters beamed at the redhead, making him uncomfortable.

His fat friend went to get one of the remaining boxes and sat on one side of the couch. “This one better taste decently.” He mumbled.

“I’m sure it will!” Butters’ optimist tone was already irritating. “I got ‘em from the best chocolate store in town! My dad said-”

“Shut up, Butters.”

“Okay.”

“Cartman.” Kyle interrupted the frankly ludicrous exchange. “I’m going home.” He declared.

“No fucking way, Kyle.” The brunette argued. “We have liquor bonbons and they’re playing…” He stared at Butters for help.

“Pride and prejudice.” The boy informed. 

“Pride and prejudice.” Cartman repeated. “We’re all set to party. Don’t you wanna get drunk to a romantic movie on Valentine’s Day?” He smirked at him.

“Not really, no-” Before he finished his sentence, Cartman made a gesture to Butters and the latter pushed him from behind, making him take a few steps forward. Kyle turned to the meek kid, irritated. “Don’t push me.” He drawled, unintentionally more menacingly than intended.

The effect on Butters was instantaneous. “Sorry!” He yelped with a flinch. 

“Come on, Kyle.” Cartman tapped the space next to him. “It’s not like you have anything better to do and it’s snowing like hell.” 

Well, he had a point. Nothing better was awaiting for him at home and he didn’t want to risk getting a cold from being too much in the snow. At least, until it calmed down he could stay, he supposed. Reluctantly, he walked to Cartman and sat down next to him. Almost immediately, Butters sat next to him. Great, now he was stuck between Laurel and Hardy. 

“So what’s this movie about, Butters?” Cartman queried, eyes on the screen and mouth full of chocolate. 

“It’s about a lady that meets a guy who’s kinda stuck-up and grumpy so they hate each other but there’s chemistry between ‘em!” Butters explained excitedly. 

What kind of summary was that? Was he a teenage girl obsessed with romantic novels?

Cartman bleated. “Couldn’t you have found something better?” He whined with a grimace.

“The Lady Gaga movie was playing in the other channel but Bradley Cooper is annoying and I think he should die!” The kid claimed, completely serious.

“...Okay.” Cartman accepted and elbowed Kyle, making a cuckoo sign. 

“I’ve seen this movie lotsa times with my mom!” Butters continued. “At the end they-”

“Jesus Christ, Butters, don’t spoil the damn movie!” Cartman shouted in exasperation. 

“Oh...right.” The aforementioned giggled and the fat one shook his head.

And so, with the help of liquor filled chocolates and Butters’ unnecessary commentary, the three of them watched Pride and Prejudice. Kyle had never had more than a couple of the bonbons before because the combination of sweet and bitter wasn’t too appealing to him but he was hungry and hadn’t eaten anything since lunch so he helped himself to some. Predictably, Cartman finished one box in record time and didn’t waste time in starting the second one. All this while Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy were still pretending to loathe each other. 

“God, this Darcy guy is such a pretentious dick.” Kyle commented, grabbing another chocolate from the box Cartman was holding. 

“Reminds me of someone.” Cartman snickered under his breath. 

Glowering, Kyle turned to him. “What’s that supposed to mean?” He demanded. 

“Fellas, these candies aren’t doin’ fudge to me!” Butters suddenly stood up. “I’m not feelin’ funky or anythin’!” He spinned, as if to demonstrate his point. 

With a sigh, Cartman agreed. “You’re right. It’s been like half a hour and I’m totally sober. I shouldn’t be sober watching this.” He frowned. “I shouldn’t be sober watching this shit!” He ejaculated dramatically. In a 180° turn, his expression turned entirely deadpan. “Eh, I’m gonna get some real alcohol.” He stated and left for the kitchen.

“Oh, oh! I’ll help you, Eric!” Butters offered, giving tiny jumps as he followed him.

“Stop doing that…” Kyle heard the host mutter as they disappeared through the door. Stiffly, he looked from one side to the other of the recently emptied out living room. Was this his cue to leave? He wasn’t particularly into the idea of hanging with these two clowns while they were inebriated. Maybe he could just sneak out quietly…

As if reading his thoughts, Cartman came out of the kitchen, blabbering loudly. “She left so it’s her loss!” He proclaimed, holding a bottle of whiskey. “We’re gonna get wasted tonight.”

Butters came right after, a big coke on one hand, three glasses on the other and a bucket of ice hanging from his wrist. Wait, three? Kyle wasn’t going to drink so-

“You’re drinking too, Kyle. No buts, don’t be a sandy vagina.” Cartman quickly declared, once again beating him. He put the whisky on the table. “Butters, do the honors.” He commanded his lackey. 

Obediently, Butters began serving soda and alcohol in each of the glasses, topping them with a few cubes of ice each. Kyle watched him wondering when he got so tangled with Cartman’s whims that he had accepted the inevitability of a certain level of intoxication. 

Without much preamble, Cartman was the first one to grab his drink, gulping at least a third of its contents at once. “Hah! Also tastes like garbage but at least it’s the real thing!” He roared, elated.

Kyle stared into his glass while he heard Butters slurping the beverage grossly. It was so...brown. 

“Don’t think too hard about it!” Cartman advised him with a pat strong enough that Kyle almost spilled the drink. “The faster you give up, the better.”

Biting his lip, Kyle brought the glass to his mouth and drank a few sips. The liquid burnt all the way down from his throat to his stomach. Why couldn’t they just have beer instead? He wasn’t that much of a drinker, regardless, that was much more tolerable. 

“See, it wasn’t that hard.” The fatass gloated.

“Shut up.” Kyle muttered, wincing from the alcohol still. “You’re not that experienced, either.”

His friend scoffed. “More than you, for sure.” He affirmed. “Now let’s see what Elizabitch and Mr. Dork.” 

Dork wasn’t even a good pun on the Darcy surname, what a damn idiot. Either way, Kyle did as such, paying attention to the movie and drinking every few minutes. Things didn’t take long to get fuzzy, considering the only thing in his stomach at the moment were those horrible chocolates. Before he noticed, he was already on his second glass. By the moment Mr. Darcy confessed his love for Elizabeth, Kyle was already very light. For the first time in the movie, he felt bad for the guy, he was trying so hard to get her affections, despite their very different situations yet he couldn’t get through to her. What a mess. 

“Man, Mr. Darcy is such a butthole.” Cartman commented. 

“What?” Kyle squeaked, slightly miffed. “He’s trying his best to let her know how he feels!”

“Dude.” The jerk raised his eyebrow. “You can’t tell someone you love them _despite_ them being as poor as Kenny.” 

“You can’t?” Butters was heard behind Kyle. 

“That’s not what-”

“Please, Kyle, I know you don’t have any experience with girls but this 101 shit.” Cartman dismissed his reply, smug. 

“Oh, like you know any better!” Kyle blurted, getting angry.

Cartman flipped his non-existent long hair. “If I was Mr. Darcy I would already have boned her. Trust me.” He assured.

Such a bold affirmation made Kyle snort. “Shut up.” He said before breaking into laughter. “‘I would have boned her!’” He mocked the other. 

“What?” The brunette seemed offended. “I totally would have!”

“Right.” Kyle almost spat from laughter. “You would have put your microscopic wiener inside Keira Knightley. Totally.”

“Shut up, Kyle, it’s not microscopic!” Cartman shrieked, irritated. “My wiener is huge and healthy, you’re just jealous!”

“Eric, that’s not true-”

“Shut up, Butters!”

Amidst chatter and alcohol, the second half of the movie went by considerably fast, with Butters getting significantly drunker than the other two. When the credits flashed through the screen, the guy was almost entirely passed out. 

“I can’t believe they never fucking kissed!” Cartman hollered, slamming his glass onto the table. “What was all that for!” He continued, incensed.

Laying on the armrest, Butters mumbled with his eyes closed. “There’s a deleted scene where they-”

“I don’t care about deleted scenes!” Cartman intervened in the middle of another piece of trivia from Butters. “I wanna see it now!”

“I don’t know.” Kyle put his hand on his chin. “I thought it was quite romantic. Like, love isn’t all about the steamy stuff, right? Sometimes it’s the words, the gestures. That’s what real love is all about.” He opined, thoughtful.

Cartman gaped at him for several seconds. “You’re such a gaywad, Kyle.” He finally asserted, with a headshake.

“I guess I am.” The other accepted with a smile, probably due to the effects of alcohol.

A loud snoring pulled them out of his silly exchange, both turning to look at Butters who was sound asleep. 

“I should take him to my room.” Cartman stood up and addressed the blond. “Let’s go, you douchebag.”

Butters murmured in his sleep, completely indifferent to the call.

“God damn it.” The fat ass whined. He picked Butters up and put him on his back, holding onto his unresponsive arms. “You coming?” He asked Kyle.

This was the perfect moment to leave. The movie had ended, Butters was knocked out, they were tipsy, it was probably late enough... Despite that, Kyle was feeling too warm inside to go out and be attacked by the merciless cold. 

“Sure.” He accepted and they headed upstairs together. The short journey was quiet, with Kyle thinking how unusual it was to have this kind of atmosphere with his former archnemesis.

When Cartman turned on the lights of his room, he threw Butters onto his bed rather aggressively before sitting on it, his back against the wall. Wordlessly, Kyle sat next to him, leaving almost no space between them.

“It’s not even ten.” His friend commented, eyeing his watch. “We’re fucking losers.”

Was it that early? Kyle could’ve sworn it was past midnight or something. 

“We’re not like Stan and Kenny, that’s for sure.” He affirmed, lips curling upwards. 

With a brusque motion that startled the two kids, Butters advanced towards them, while mostly unconscious, and settled his head on Cartman’s lap. “Soft…” He whispered in his sleep. 

After a moment, the brunette chuckled. “What an asshole.” He mouthed at Butters.

“He’s sure out...” Kyle commented, eyeing the blond looking content in his slumber. 

Gracelessly, Cartman leaned on his shoulder. Normally, the redhead would’ve rejected the contact, however, he really didn’t feel like doing so at the moment. Was it the alcohol? Or was it…

“Another Valentine’s Day alone, huh…” Cartman dragged out his words, there was a sadness in his voice. 

“Well, not alone.” He corrected his friend. “We spent it together, at least.”

Cartman giggled softly, making Kyle’s shoulder shake with him, his now disheveled brown hair tickling the latter’s jaw. “Oh, Kyle…” He uttered without an ounce of sarcasm in his tone. 

Confused by the lack of snarkiness, Kyle looked down and found their hands side by side. Their fingers were grazing each other, in fact. He should probably pull his’ away, yet couldn’t bring himself to do so. Cartman must’ve noticed too because he shifted his hand to lace their fingers together. 

This was the moment where Kyle should back off, step away, go home, forget all of this...Regular Kyle would’ve done so, for sure. Tipsy Kyle welcomed the warmth that had held him hours earlier. Yes, it was the same hand. 

Very narrowly, he squeezed Cartman’s hand and it was more than enough to get the message across. Now what message was that? Kyle wasn’t quite sure. But one thing he knew. 

He never wanted to let go of that hand.

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to write some Kyman for Vday's since I've missed every other important holiday and also gift something to my wonderful girlfriend on this special day so here it is. Hope you liked it <3


End file.
